pregnancy, loss and breastfeeding

If you follow me on Instagram you might have picked up a few hints here and there that we have been trying to get pregnant again. I always thought that we would get pregnant sooner rather than later after Olive was born. I've had baby fever since I had Olive and always imagined our kiddos being so close in age and having two under two and dreamt of being that mom with five under five and being like THIS IS CRAZY but years down the road knowing it was worth it. If you also know us personally this past year has been a little hard. Not in ways you'd think but spiritually this year has felt like a battle. So in my silly head I had was obsessed with becoming pregnant before Olives birthday. Im still breastfeeding my toddler/baby quite often and she is no where ready to wean. We tried weaning her at night and it took about 3 months because she fought it so hard and I couldn't bring myself to just taking away something that comforts her so much. Now she is almost weaned at night but still sometimes nurses like a new born during the day.

Well, last month we had a very early miscarriage. To be honest I didn't want to talk to anyone about it, not even Austin. I think I just pushed it down and felt like if I pushed it down I wouldn't have to deal with it or the pain of it. The doctor said it was SO early that usually people don't even notice but I just "happened to be testing" But that wasn't how it felt in my book. In my book I KNEW I was pregnant, took a test, it said yes and then I got 3 negative tests and you usually know what happens after that. I shared with a few close friends and some understood and some didn't. But one friend texted me saying that she felt like God was saying "Be still and know that I am God" now we don't believe that God did this... or that it wasn't the right timing or some bullshit that people like to try and say to make you feel better. Things happen but it definitely was not God's pan for our life or baby. Those words she texted me have been my mantra. I repeat them everyday anytime I think about the loss or the yearning to have another baby I say to myself "Be still and know that I am God" God is good and he knows the desires of our heart. He also is a God of redemption and that alone is my peace. This place is like a journal to me and I just felt like it was time to share so I could feel free. I've always been pretty honest here with the ups and downs of life even though I generally try to keep this space very positive.  

But all of this brings to me to breastfeeding a toddler. Some women's bodies get pregnant right away while breastfeeding and some dont. Olive still needs me in that way and these past few months I have felt so torn. Do I give up breastfeeding my baby because I want another baby? But my baby still NEEDS me like this? I couldn't bring myself to do it and at first I felt so guilty and torn. But I think any mother knows that Motherhood is the most selfless job on this planet. We sacrifice for our children. We'll do anything for them to be safe, happy and healthy. So this is me being transparent. Motherhood is hard and lonely yet rewarding and beautiful. We are so blessed by Olive and that we are continuing our breastfeeding journey. Sometimes life is hard but we are going to be still and know that he is God. We are going to be joyful and praise him and continue on. We are going to love a little deeper and laugh a little more and enjoy this season more than ever.

This dress I'm wearing is from Harper & Bay a beautiful nursing line for women ran by a mama herself! And I'm hosting a Giveaway for 1 dress of your choice on my Instagram today. Olives jumper is from Mini with Friends!